Hi. It’s been a while, I know.

A lot has happened this last year that took longer for me to process- and while I desire to share closer to real time- I needed to give myself space and time and permission to be quiet. But here I am- feeling ready to come back – and also not at all ready (because losing momentum can cause vulnerability freak outs when you forget how to do this)- but that’s okay- I believe it’s time. I treasure and am grateful for this space and for you.

In a nut shell, New Year’s Eve 2018 was pretty intense. My Pop was only a month into a scary cancer diagnosis and my family was still in shock and crisis mode. We had just come off of Christmas where my grandparents couldn’t attend our family gathering since my Pop was too sick- and it felt scary to wonder if this would be our new normal- at least- that’s where my mind and heart went, I won’t speak for anyone else. One week later, on NYE, my parents made a decision to go be with my grandparents for the day. I was on my way to be with my siblings, but stopped first to visit my friend’s brand new building for her nonprofit for grieving children and their families that we had been praying for, for a long while. I got to my siblings and we made the most of the holiday that felt fragile and broken and confusing. I didn’t know what 2019 held but I was not feeling good about it. So when my sister asked us about new year’s resolutions- I couldn’t help but get teary and just whisper “I just don’t want to be exactly where I am now in a year.” I couldn’t have told you what that meant at the time- and here I am, just over one year later, and looking back, I definitely wouldn’t have been able to guess.

In January, the Lord spoke to my heart that a big change was coming and I was to pray for “a new song in my heart.” I didn’t know what that meant or looked like- but I felt peace about it. So I began to pray.

By February’s end, the Lord revealed to me what that “new song” was, after only 8 weeks of praying that prayer. And I…..said “no thank you” to it. (Spoiler: this never really works with the Lord.)

By the summer the Lord had done a “180” on my heart and I was moving forward with what I felt the Lord was calling me to next.

In August, I told the people I love in Hershey, PA that I was leaving and moving back to King of Prussia where I accepted a job at my home church.

In September, I left Hershey: leaving my job, my apartment, and people I love. There was a lot of mixed emotion and a lot of prayer. Then I went away for a week to my favorite cabin in the woods in Maine and retreated. There, the Lord spoke clearly to me that the plans I thought I had for myself in this next season were once again a little different than I had hoped and thought. I wrestled with the Lord, but ended up moving forward trusting that His plan had to be better than mine (even though at the time it was very hard to see).

By October, I was working in my new job back in my home town and began volunteering for the same friend’s non-profit who’s building I toured on new year’s eve 2018.

In November, I had an infusion sneak up on me earlier than I anticipated and fell smack over my birthday- ringing in a “new year” for the second year in a row. Along with relief it did bring, this infusion also gave me the unwanted gift of panic attacks that lingered all during recovery.

But December.

Gosh, in December I was ready for a thrill of hope for my weary soul to rejoice over. And it did. We celebrated the HOPE that was brought to the world because of Jesus. Our whole family gathered and celebrated another Christmas with my Pop who was healthy enough to be a part of the whole celebration – which was the very best Christmas gift. I was home for Christmas. I miss my friends at Hershey, and I’m also so thankful to be home. I sang silent night in my home church with tears running down my cheeks through it- just grateful in a deeper way I did not anticipate. And here we are, just over one year later from that emotional New Year’s Eve of 2018- and I’m not where I was in 2018. At all.

There are some complicated emotions and weight attached to many of these events, and part of the reason it took me a while to write is because I don’t want to just rattle them off and make it seem near flippant. A lot of these emotions and weighty lessons are not appropriate to share with the internet because it was kind of a “you had to be there” moment in what the Lord was teaching me and doing in me- and so it’s better you weren’t. However, it’s hard to just write them without that disclaimer of how much of this was formative and complicated. I’m sure you could make a list of your own 2019 lessons and events and say the same to me.

So after all of this, this wild and crazy year, most of which I realize I was silent on this blog for…..here’s what I’m summarizing and taking away. These are the 19 things that left the biggest impression on me in 2019 that I’m taking as we move forward into 2020:

1. The notable trend of “This”- I’m taking into 2019 that so many people write on social media the standalone word “This.” with an attached article, blog, video, cartoon, meme or something of the sorts that someone else created. And what I want to pay attention to is that people seem to mostly post these things (when it’s not, of course, in jest or for pure humor) when they feel like someone else put to words or captured how they personally feel too. Almost like they highlighted or underlined something they want you to see. I want to read/watch/listen to the “this” posts and get to know what my loved ones are feeling more and acknowledge what they are trying to say by the words someone else put to the thoughts/feelings they have too.
2. Be so kind. – It’s nearly trendy to say this, I realize. But it’s probably a good thing to hear over and over. Be kind to people. Be a kind human. I’m thanking God for the kindness He showed me in 2019 and the kindness others showed.
3. “Keep writing.” –My Pastor in 2019 (also read “my friend”) from Hershey told me this the day I told him I was leaving my job. He encouraged me to keep writing- and it meant so much to me. So I’m taking it into 2020 for sure and thanking him for the push and encouragement.
4. “I hope you heal.” – He also said this. And I heard it as a hope not just for my pain stricken body, but for the healing that my heart, soul and mind needed too- and I cant’ tell you how much this meant to me and ministered to me, coming from my pastor. [George Davis, I’m looking at you. Thank you, friend.] I pray the same for you, reader friend, and for me.
5. Cheer loud. – The first memorable thing I did when I moved back was watch my sister play field hockey. I was late to the season but my parents didn’t miss one game. I immediately noticed (beside her skill!) my dad cheering loudly for her, by name, from the sidelines- standing, sometimes pacing. “GO ABBIE!! COME ON, ABBIE!” I was actually embarrassed for her at first- but then realized this was motivating and extremely loving. She was literally seen and cheered for. And it made me wonder if that’s how the Lord cheers for us too. It moved me. And it made me want to also cheer loud (not always volume kind of loud- but showing up) for my people and remember my Heavenly Father is also cheering loud for me. And you.
6. Stand up for people. – I’m thankful for how I watched some of my friends stand up for me in 2019, and I’m hoping I did better at this in 2019 and will do even better in 2020.
7. Nothing about what happens changes who God is. – Thank goodness. No matter how good your 2019 was or how hard- it did not change who the Lord is. And I’m so thankful He doesn’t change. I need Him to be constant. And sometimes I need to remind myself not to confuse what I’m feeling with who God is. Maybe you do too.
8. Be obedient to what the Lord asks you to do. – There were a few times in 2019 that what I felt the Lord was asking me to do made no sense to me or didn’t even feel good. And I’m here to say that obedience in doing it has brought blessing and growth.
9. Speak truth in love. – This can be very hard. But very worth it. And very loving.
10. Say you’re sorry. – This is so important. Do not be above saying you’re sorry.
11. Hold your people- Sometimes your people need to be held. Sometimes literally and sometimes metaphorically as you listen to their words.
12. Give grace- to others and yourself. People need it. We need. I need it. You need it. Jesus models it. Maybe we should copy that…
13. Trust Jesus. – It’s an ever-learning lesson for me.
14. Tell your people you love them. Life is far too short not to. – Dear McIllhenny family, I love you. I loved and appreciated Jeff. His life has reminded me to tell people that I love them and are here for them. You are not forgotten. He is not forgotten.
15. Be a safe person for others to feel they can tell you all the things and not be judged. We can be better at listening, not judging, and being safe. We can do better. – I’ve been having a lot of thoughts about this recently that are still forming. So for now- I’ll leave it at that.
16. Go to counseling. – I personally think it’s healthy. I think it’s made me healthier.
17. Find people who make you laugh and hang out with them. – I love laughing. And I’m so thankful the Lord has given us the gift of laughter.
18. Give people hope – they’re so desperate for it. – May this flow out of you. May this flow out of me.
19. Pop confetti!– Now THIS was new for me in 2019. I used to think confetti was just messy and a hassle to clean up. (still a little true) But then I realized it’s more than that- it’s a joy-inducing visual reminder to celebrate. And pretty much all my friends got confetti poppers this year for Christmas! Leaving Hershey was sad for me. I was thankful for the season that was coming- and also sad to leave. I wanted to end my time there celebrating a good season and not just feeling sad- so I gathered a few friends and popped confetti in the church parking lot after the last church service I worked. And let me tell you I have zero regrets. And this picture is probably one of my favorite pictures of 2019. Pop confetti. Celebrate! More celebrating in 2020- I’m committed to it. And probably committed to more confetti.

There’s so much room to grow. So much to learn. So much to get better at. But I’m back in 2020 to writing (thanks George for the push). Back – and holding my loved ones close- and thankful to where the Lord has brought me.

So, so thankful.

Jesus, more of you in 2020. More loving you, learning from you, listening to you, seeking you. More living with you, loving like you, and leading others to do the same.