Among the many events between infusions this time- I went to a comedy show with a friend. Oh my goodness, what an experience! I laughed so hard my stomach and my face hurt simply from laughing. It was awesome- but that’s likely what you expect from a comedy show. What I didn’t expect is the comedian said something in his show that struck a heart chord in a way I wasn’t prepared for. He said that the reason he does this is because he wants people to have a break for a couple hours from their pain. He specifically mentioned a cancer patient who had come up to him after a show and thanked him for doing just that for her- and he told us again- that’s why he does this.

I cried at a comedy show. Right there in my seat. Because that’s what he did for me too. He let me escape from the deepest pain- and just laugh. And not only was I so grateful, I felt seen, and I felt cared for. I was given the gift of laughter.

I encourage everyone I know who is in pain of any sort- that as they find their coping strategies that work for them, to fill their life with as much worship and laughter as they can. And I do my best to live my life that way- to worship Jesus and honor Him in this journey- and to laugh a lot.

That’s not always easy to do. And blessed are the people in my life who can get me laughing on my very worst pain days.

I don’t try to laugh to breeze over the hard; I do not pretend that it is no big deal and I do not make a joke out of the pain. Goodness, there is such a difference to me. I try to find moments of joy and laughter in the midst of the pain. For me, laughter is a moment of relief in the suffering. It is an ounce of freedom in the bondage of pain.

The last week has been especially hard with this. I’ve cried more than I’ve laughed. I hate that. I’ve cried from the amount of pain inside my body (in front of several strangers and some colleagues, no less). I’ve cried to God about why He is allowing this much pain when I know He can take it away. And I’ve cried after a hard weekend of pain for my Pop in the midst of his cancer journey. Real talk: lots of tears. But there has been some laughter too. It’s just been a little harder to find.

In Romans 5:3-4 (NIV) it says: “We know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character, and character, hope.”

I was reminded last week that suffering doesn’t just jump straight to hope. First it produces perseverance, and perseverances produces character, and then character produces hope. It’s a process. Being in suffering doesn’t automatically produce hope. Which is why it’s not always easy to laugh in the middle of suffering. Laughter can more easily be found with hope. They hang out together. And sometimes it takes a little while to get there.

So while laughter was a little harder to find, and the words of my prayers were fewer and more repetitive, I found solace in worship music on repeat in my home, in my car, in headphones on a plane. Recently though, this song, “Goodness of God” by Bethel, has been on repeat more than the rest as it brings me to tears more often then not- especially this lyric:

“And all my life You have been faithful. And all my life You have been so, so good. With every breath that I am able, oh I will sing of the goodness of God.”

What a difference between “all my life has been so, so good” and “all my life You have been so, so good.”

When I can’t find laughter, I seek for any kind of joy- and I’m telling you with every part of me- the only way I can find joy is because of Jesus. In the last week I can’t find a lot things that I can say have been so, so good. But my God is. And He has been present with me every time I’ve cried, and every time I’ve laughed. 

He always is. He’s always there.

Jesus, remind us of Your goodness. Help us persevere in the suffering, help us develop character, and help us find hope. May we never stop singing of Your goodness. And may we be known for giving the hope and joy that comes from You alone away to others who need it. And Jesus, may we laugh. Thank you for laughter in the middle of pain. But more than any of that- thank you for being there for every tear and every laugh. For being an ever-present God that holds us close in times of suffering. All my life You have been faithful. All my life you have been so, so good. With every breath that I am able, oh I will sing of the goodness of God.