I’ll be the first to admit how hard it is to keep praying big for what feels out of reach. The Lord knows my heart most intimately, and yet, it feels vulnerable to ask for Him to heal me during a round of treatment. I cry when I pray for healing-partly because it seems like it would be a dream far beyond wonderful. Partly because when I pray bigger; put my heart on the line more, ask because I believe He can and then wrestle with disappointment when the answer is “not yet” -gosh, it feels too much and that makes me emotional too.

So for a while I stopped praying for my own healing. I hid behind the safety of “if I don’t ask for it” I can’t be disappointed if He doesn’t answer the way I had hoped.

The truth is-I am disappointed. And I don’t understand.

I can thank God for a successful treatment that brought my pain down to more manageable levels-praise Him! Back to a “5” which seems to be a popular number for these treatments. This is SO much better than where I was two weeks ago. And hopefully, I’ll get a good stretch of time here at a “5” before going in for round 14. Honestly, there’s much to praise God for. Much answered prayer.

But what do we do with the disappointment? What do we do about the hurt when we lay it all out on the line and He doesn’t respond the way we hoped? Is it disrespectful to keep asking? Is it wrong to be mad/sad/confused/frustrated/disappointed?

No.

No, I don’t believe so.

I have wrestled over time with these questions. But I believe that God wants to hear us whisper through tears or mutter through gritted teeth what we are really feeling. A parent would rather a child tell them all the feelings then retreat from them and not say a word. I think the same is true here.

The last few days I have had to seriously wrestle with the disappointment of lack of complete physical healing. And then with the guilt because I feel disappointed. And then not wanting to speak to the Lord until I was calmer with all my feelings. Followed by the painful silence of trying to force myself to sit with Him because I was so hurt. And finally the emotions while asking the hard questions I wish I could hear His voice to give answers for: “why?” “will this be my life forever?” “do You want me to stop asking because You keep saying ‘not yet’?” “You have the power to heal me, Jesus, without having to say a word-why ‘not yet’?” To vulnerably name for you a few.

*deep breath*

And maybe another deep breath because this is such hard stuff this broken side of Heaven.

I don’t have any answers to the questions I have asked Him through this. I may never have them this side of Heaven. I don’t know a lot. But I do know who God is. And I find my only solace in the character of God. Life with this much pain is so hard- but I know the Lord will never leave me and I find comfort there. I know He is good and that doesn’t change just because this pain isn’t good. I know He is faithful and will get me through each hard day. I know He is compassionate and wants to hear my whole heart and all the feelings. I know He is a Redeemer God and will not let this pain go to waste. I know He is kind and so He isn’t letting me stay in this pain without reason; that would be so mean.

This is what I know is true. It doesn’t mean everything is fine or that big feelings can’t be had. It doesn’t silence the pain or wrap things up in a nice bow. But when I repeat the truths of who God is- then I let them be the loudest words in my head; more than fear, pain, or even lies.

As stated many times within these blogs: sometimes you declare it because you know it’s true, and sometimes you have to declare it over and over until your heart remembers it’s true.

But I believe that we know who God is and can trust Him even when our heart hurts, even when we grieve hard, even when disappointment is so heavy; and we can rest in who God is while we wait for Heaven.

What questions do you ask of the Lord? What big prayers do you pray? How do you wrestle with feelings when your prayers aren’t answered the way you had hoped? What truths do you need to remind yourself as you wrestle with all those feelings?