Hi,

This is an open letter to you. A letter to say that I know you are hurting. A letter to let you know that you are not alone. I see you trying your best and feeling like it’s not enough. I see you trying to shove down how much it hurts and feeling isolated by doing so. I see you trying to be so very brave, while you feel so weak. I know……I know.

I wanted you to know that while you feel weak, those around you, see you as brave. I know you don’t feel it- but let me tell you a secret: people think being brave means not crying, not having a bad day, or something about being tough; but that’s not what it means. No; brave is a choice. Every day when you decide to fight this- whether that looks like taking action or simply waking up- you are choosing to fight and that is choosing to be brave. I know it’s hard. I know some days feel so hard- you don’t know how you’ll ever get through this, and some days you don’t even want to try anymore. That’s why you are brave. When you don’t even want to – you’re doing it anyway. You probably will never see yourself as others see you- so just trust the people you love when they say you are brave.

I wanted you to know that I see your heart. I see you mad, sad, frustrated, confused, and hurt. And it’s okay to feel all those things. Suffering brings out a lot of raw emotions. It’s not comfortable- but it’s real. Choosing to hide it is not as simple as it sounds. Let yourself feel. Be honest with yourself. Be honest with the Lord. He can handle it. He wants to hear what you have to say. He wants to hear your cries, your thoughts, your voice. I have learned that pretending I’m okay when I’m not just makes me feel more alone. Tell the Lord. Tell your people. Be honest with yourself. No one expects you to just be okay with this. And no one thinks your faith is any less for being honest. Please trust me on that.

I wanted you to know that you are on a team. While no one on this team can take your place and fight for you- it is invaluable to understand the capabilities of this team. The people on your team are storming the heavens for you. But they want to help in other ways too. They want to listen, they want to do tangible things, they want to be there. Lean on your team. We were not meant to do life alone. I wish I learned this earlier in my suffering. I’m still learning it. But when you act like you don’t need your team- you’re not helping anyone and you’re letting pride get in the way. Suffering is humbling. So very, very humbling. And that’s not fun- but the faster you get on board with this, the faster you’ll see the beauty of this team. If you’re not there yet; if you’re not at a place where you can lean on this team because you recognize you need it- then do it for them– let your team help because they so desperately want to.  Just remember how you would want this to go if the roles were reversed. (ps. you might have to tell yourself this every time you say “yes” to help)

On the days where you can’t see a single good thing about this, I pray that you’ll remember that nothing that comes your way is something that the Lord is surprised about. That doesn’t have to make you feel any better- but I pray it reminds you that when you feel surprised by the twists and turns, the amount of hurt you feel, or where this has brought you- the Lord is not shaken or scrambling to figure out how to make this okay. This is something I have to remind myself regularly, “the Lord is not surprised by this.”

I feel urged to tell you not to waste this. That might sound ridiculous right now, but I’ve discovered along the way that there is a choice in how to handle suffering. One option is to stuff it and pretend it’s not there. Another is to let it be used to help someone else. I hate to tell you this, but this is not just your story.  This is the Lord’s. That means even if you would prefer to keep it to yourself because it’s vulnerable, you’re making a decision to not share of what the Lord is doing. By sharing your story, helping someone else in the journey, or even in the midst of your hardest nights praying over and over for those who are suffering too- you don’t let the suffering go to waste.  Choose to use this as a way to help those that other people simply cannot reach because they do not understand. You can reach them, pray for them, encourage them- because you are hurting too. Don’t let this go to waste.  It might have stolen something from you- but it has also given you a rare opportunity.

And, more than anything, I want you to know how loved you are. Oh goodness, how I know the feeling of “I didn’t see this coming” or “it wasn’t supposed to be like this,” “everything feels different,” “this is devastating” and “I don’t think I can do this.” I can’t tell you how this will end. I can’t tell you what’s coming next. I won’t tell you that everything is not different nor will I ever tell you this isn’t devastating. And I can’t tell you how to fight this. But I can tell you that you are not alone as you walk in the shadowlands. You are so fiercely loved by those who want to walk with you until those shadows disappear.

I just thought you should know.

With love, deep admiration, and  faith in the One who is in control and not surprised,
“Katie”