I can still hear the sound of my CD player spinning the disc inside of it seconds after the “play” button was pushed. I can recite the track list, in order, of the “Praise and Worship” CD that I fell asleep to. I don’t believe the disc inside ever changed.  The same 25 worship songs played in my room, each night of my early childhood. It’s been quite a while since I heard that CD, but sometimes its songs come floating back like an old memory and get stuck (with joy) in my head for a while. One of them is “I Have Decided to Follow Jesus” and as quickly as I type the title, my heart sings “no turning back, no turning back.” That has been a promise of my heart since the early days of listening to that track. My heart, my soul, the deepest parts of who I am have decided to follow Jesus- no turning back.

And no ounce of pain can change that.
No turning back.

I laid in the hospital bed this round (#7) and hummed this song to quiet my anxious heart more than a few times. I feared another round going poorly. I feared the pain to that magnitude lasting another several weeks before another infusion could be possible to try to pull the pain down again. I sung it to remind myself of that promise I had made many years ago in a much more comfortable bed. The promise that no matter what, I would follow Jesus. But God gave me a gift, a beautiful gift of being a “5” this time with no problems during titration like there were last time. I am so humbled, so grateful, so moved by His kindness. I recognize even more now than I did in any other round that it didn’t have to happen like this. The Lord has been so good to me.

So, first, let me testify of His goodness and His kindness.
And second, let me thank you for your faithful consistent prayers on my behalf.

One of the primary reasons I started this blog this last year was because I felt like the Lord telling me that I needed to be more vulnerable in sharing what’s going on in the depths of pain. This was not to make my life an open book, but to give Him the glory and to testify to His goodness in the middle of something that just doesn’t feel even a little bit good. That’s not always easy to wrap my mind around, or understand, especially when life feels so hard. And like I’ve said before, sometimes I have to sing of His goodness to remind myself that even if He chooses not to heal me, spare me, or whatever the situation- He is still good. And sometimes it’s easy to sing from the rooftops.

The Lord sparing me from another treatment gone awry this time….easier to sing of His goodness. The Lord allowing last time for all the pain to come flooding back in a single moment…..harder.

But even in the times where I’m in more pain than it feels I can handle- the Lord has not left me. He has consistently reminded me that He is near to me. He has used many of you to do this too. Many people have blessed me in too many ways to count and been the hands and feet of Jesus in a time of suffering. And I am so humbled, moved, and grateful. The Lord has not left me alone in this. Praise Him. I could not….could NOT….do this without Him. I’ve watched other people in this much pain in the hospital who don’t have the hope of Jesus and because of that and because their pain is so bad- have no hope at all. And I do not know how they do it; how they get through a day. Because I don’t think I get through an hour without Jesus in this much pain. No actually, I know I couldn’t.

Just like that, we are already seven weeks out since round 7. I know it won’t be long before I go back in and the cycle starts over again. But within these last seven weeks, I’ve thought back to that promise I used to sing, “I have decided to follow Jesus –no turning back”. I knew as a little girl that God was calling me into ministry. I remember it. And so I’ve spent most of my life trying to give Him my all. The problem is-that’s been distorted into giving ministry my all instead of God. I believe this can actually be a slippery slope for many ministry leaders.

Let me explain: when my pain gets so bad that I have to stop what I’m doing and go home to lay down, I throw a private fit to God like a small child having a loud meltdown in the middle of Target. It’s bad. I try negotiating, I kick and scream, I whine (ugh- the worst maybe of them all. I hate the sound of whining.) because I feel like I’m being stopped from doing ministry. When really, if I remembered that God was in control, and I was here to give God my all- that my ministry would look like whatever He decided it would look like that day. Each day. But in those meltdowns, I childishly tell God that if He would take the pain away, I could do more.

It seems that He’s actually got this under control and knows better than me. (smirk)

I know there will be a day, unless the Lord heals my body, that I won’t be able to work like I even can now- and that sometimes really scares me. But I also know, that that doesn’t mean He won’t still be using me. In fact, when I have to end my day early or pain takes over that I just have to stop whatever I’m doing- He’s still using me then too.

When I was a little girl I knew God called me into ministry, but I didn’t know it would look like this: part of my life in the hospital, part out in a professional setting. I didn’t know that part of the ministry He’d call me to would be cheering on people with chronic pain who don’t’ know how to get through their days, laughing with nurses who need a patient who appreciates how hard they work, listening to the stories of hospital staff and patients. That’s the ministry God called me to for such a time as this, too.

So why, if I know God is good, that God is faithful, that God is in control- do I frequently try to grab a hold of the reigns and think it’s my job to be in control? That it’s got to look a certain way?

Do you ever feel this way? Like a passenger in a car who tries to brake for the driver with their own foot and imaginary brake? You can press that imaginary brake as hard as you want, but you’re still not in control. It’s rather wasted energy.

The promise I made as a little girl, and make each time I sing the song, is not “I have decided to let Jesus follow me” rather, “I have decided to follow Jesus.” Sometimes (often) that means being flexible, doing hard things, listening to the Holy Spirit’s prompting, and being brave. Forget RSD- that’s just what following Jesus can look like. But it’s also an incredibly beautiful journey.

I don’t believe God gave me RSD. I believe He can heal me, but I don’t believe He inflicted my body with horrible pain. What I know of God is that He is good, that He is never going to let me down, that He has not and will not fail me, and that He will use my pain for good. I also know that He has taught me too many lessons to count already through pain; for which I’m grateful.

Whether my next infusion goes as planned like this past round 7, or whether it’s scary like round 6…..
Whether my pain continues to get more aggressive, or God completely heals my body…..
Whether I spend more time serving God in the church or in the hospital….

I have decided to follow Jesus. No turning back.